Most Awkward Moment EVER.

Today I went to the wedding of a good friend.  I have been waiting for this moment with trepidation for months.  Imagine this.  You are invited to a wedding and you really want to go, but the only people you know are the bride and her mother. And your ex-girlfriend who pretty much hates your guts.  And who you haven’t seen in about 5 years.  Or thereabouts.  I even had a nightmare about this event the other week.  Walking up to the venue I felt sick.  I walked in through the gate and there she was.  I saw her see me.  It was all in the eyes.  I know those eyes.  I’ve seen that look.  If its possible I felt even worse.  And I felt bad for feeling bad on my friend’s big day.  I didn’t like being in this situation.

The weddingThe happy coupleThe redhead

After the ceremony I went home. I’m not good in social situations where I don’t know people, and already feeling bad didn’t help. As it turns out the reception was fine. I had a good bunch of people at my table, and we talked, the redhead and I. Kind of. It wasn’t exactly “friendly”. There were barbs. Attempts at pushing buttons (intentional or not). Little did she know that I was ready. I knew what she was like and I knew that whatever she said had no power to hurt me. The fact that she acknowledged my existence was good enough for me. If she had wanted to really get me, ignoring me would have done it. Which answers Mhairi-Clare’s question from last week. Being ignored beats malice hands down.
Anyway. This whole situation is very, um, interesting for me. The redhead and I were best friends for years. We cared about each other. And then we went out. While a mistake, it also resolved some things. The problem here being the fact that while we weren’t together anymore I didn’t stop caring about her. The fact that she didn’t want to lay eyes on me for the last however long was hard. She was a big part of my life for a number of years, and even after being out of the picture her influence was still there. She was the reason I went to art school in the first place. Well her and a bit of help from a life-coach friend of mine. I had still wanted to be friends. I would say that the time apart was probably good for both of us in a lot of ways, but I would like to be friends even now. I just don’t know that it is possible. Sigh.

The other awkward thing about a wedding where the expectation is that you will dress up (when I really don’t usually) is trying to pull out from the wardrobe something that does the job. I’m not totally convinced that it all went together but I quite like what I ended up with…
The outfit
Note to self: I am about nine months overdue for a haircut. After I’ve finished shooting for uni for the year (and forever) I have a date with a chair somewhere. And a person with scissors. It is going to happen.

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