All the things

Restlessness.  Lethargy.  Despair.  Wonder.  Sadness.  Hope.

The day had awakened to a sort of greyness.  Blah.  It was too early and he wasn’t ready for it and he dragged himself up and out in a kind of reluctant daze.  He went to work for a couple of hours, wasn’t very effective, made a mess, had a go at cleaning it up, left the others to it.  He had had plans for the afternoon, but despite the coffee he had downed in an effort to shake off the early morning lethargy it hadn’t faded but instead been joined by a kind of jittery-ness instead.  Which is why he had tried to cut coffee out.  It used to make him feel alive, now it just made him feel irritated.  Irascible.
The day that had started out so dull was now brilliant, the sky blue and cloudless, the heat of the sun made bearable by a cool breeze ruffling the trees.  As he walked back out into it he thought about climbing a tree instead of going home.  He thought about two days before when he had his nephew in his arms, looking into the blue eyes so like his own, watching them look up in wonder at another blue sky, other trees reaching toward another sun overhead.  He thought about what the world must look like to someone still so new, so fresh.  Someone who had never seen a spring before.  His heart rose, but then sank back down under the weight of everything.
He had watched a film before leaving work, about a young couple, meeting, falling for each other, thinking about the possibilities of starting a life together.  But it was filled with a kind of sadness, uncertainty, unwillingness to believe that things can work out.  It had made him think about himself.  He had liked it, but it had made him feel sad as well.
As he walked through the park, thinking about all the things, he just wanted to go home and crawl into his bed and forget about the world again.


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