Dawn, Broken

Okay, so it’s kind of become a thing for me to go watch the Twilight movies at midnight (previously with other people, but this time I couldn’t get anyone to go, not that I blame them), mostly so I can be thoroughly disgusted to the most high level possible by exposing myself to the worst of the Twihards my city has to offer, along with the horror of the actual films.  Last night saw the release of Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (yes, a story so epic it requires two films to translate to the screen).  I went along so I could share with you just exactly how awful a film it is.  I’ll start by a quick recap of the previous films… Twilight, not so bad.  Better film than book.  Definite problems, but I didn’t completely hate it.  The intensity of Bella and Edward’s connection was really awkward and uncomfortable, but I could deal.  New Moon, decent soundtrack, pretty uninteresting plot, probably on an even level with the book (ok, so the books are like stupid crack cocaine on a page, you hate them but you can’t put them down, so maybe less interesting than the book).  Eclipse, totally forgettable except for the sudden and highly disturbing rise of topless Jacob shots with young girls and middle-aged women alike swooning over the then 16 year old manchild (shudder).
So Breaking Dawn – Part 1.  I am going to fully spoilerise this, just a heads-up.  I had a small smidgen of hope that this film would rise above it’s two immediate predecessors.  For the first few minutes I actually believed it might, but then no.  This is quite possibly the worst of the four (soon to be five) films.  I know I’m not the target audience, but really, no one needs to go on anyone else’s honeymoon, even if they are fictional characters.  We don’t really need to see Edward break the bed when they consummate their eternal love.  We don’t need to see how anxious Bella is to be perfect for her perfect new husband.  Hold back gag-reflex.  I mean, this is for tweens, amirite?  Ugh!!  I think Stephanie Meyer got too involved in this one.  Or maybe they were just trying to please her too much.  Whatever, they went overboard.  I mean, Bella and Edward playing chess with the same chess set from the cover of the book?  Please!  Then the drama of the sudden pregnancy, the swiftly growing foetus, the Bella slowly dying so her monstrous offspring can live.  Yawn.  No one understands her except Rosalie who used to hate her.  Not even Edward.  Married life is so tough.  She chooses baby names, Edward Jacob for a boy, or Renesmee (combination of her mother’s name Renee and his mother’s name Esme).  Vomit in mouth but swallow it to maintain dignity.  Jacob’s against them, no he’s for them, he’s going to kill the baby, no he’s imprinted (too hard to explain but basically became her soulmate involuntarily) on her and has to protect her.  The other wolves want to kill her, but no, their greatest law is that whoever a wolf imprints on cannot be harmed by any other wolf.  So they can’t kill her.  How sad.  Boo hoo hoo.  Eye-roll times infinity.  And finally Bella gets her wish to be transformed into a vampire.  She wakes up.  The end.  Man am I glad I didn’t have to pay for the ticket.
And now a list of all the truly awful things in the film:

  • The wolf pack communication
  • The imprinting (straight from the book via voiceover—yawn)
  • The music (I heard it being likened to both porn and daytime tv, and I wouldn’t say that’s being extreme)
  • The really cheap looking visual effects (ie. wolf’s-eye view, flashbacks, etc etc) like, super cheap tv movie
  • I realised that I don’t think Edward has sparkled since the first film.  What’s with that.  He’s the sparkly vampire!  It’s, like, his thing!  Lame!!

I think the worst thing about these films as that you come away feeling either kind of dirty (the fans) or sickened.  No, actually, both.  And then you can’t sleep because all their nonsense is in your head.  And then you have to work in the morning even though you weren’t supposed to, and it’s a 13 hour day.  Stupid stupid stupid.
Yeah, I’ll be there for the final installment.  What can I say?  I’m a masochist.

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