the trouble

I’ve spent a significant part of my teenage and adult life wishing I was different from what I am.  Hoping that one day things would magically change and how I feel would change and I could just be normal, like it seems to be so easy for other people so why does life have to be so hard for me, and why do I have to be the one that can never be happy?  (Don’t worry, I’m not deluded enough to believe that things are easier for other people, but sometimes it feels that way).

Then someone broke through the white noise and raised some questions.

What if you never change?

What if what you think should be different is just how you are?

Will you live on wishing and hoping your whole life?

So I decided that maybe I should accept how I am.  Because I don’t see any signs of things changing.

The problem here is that I seem to have exchanged one set of wishful thinking for another.  And maybe my new wishful thinking is more likely to lead to a sense of fulfilment.  But what if it doesn’t?  Because there are always fundamentals that don’t change.

And what if the person who asked the questions isn’t interested in the answers?

What if they’re only interested in walking in, dropping the bomb, watching the fallout then leaving?

Would you always/maybe sometimes/make it easy?/take your time

What does it mean to live?  What does it mean to love?  What does it mean to be whole?  What does it mean to not be broken?

I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I am trying.  I am trying.  Can’t you understand that?  I am trying.

Lyrics from Two Weeks by Grizzly Bear

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